i forgive my dad
i loved him alot i did everything thing
to get him clean i made mistake of relying on
my mom to get him help, when in relaity she
did nothing. in the end.
i found my dad he passed away in his
sleep peacefully, he was laying on his left side
with his thumb near his mouth
no signs of stress
i couldn’t belive my eyes at first and my
soul stoped.
i put him on his right side and the left side of
his lips were blue, his foot was blue.
his heart wasn’t beating
i raised his hand and yelled “dad!”
i failed at cpr i tried to blow air into his mouth
but failed, i put water on his face, i freaked out
i called 911 and everything. i photographed him.
i beged him to ear heathy and not do cocaine.
he was the best dad in the world.
i will always fight for him.
i’m dangerous to anyone who is a coke user near me
unless their trans because i can’t do violence
against a trans person
but any random ass crack whore who wants to be
fuck with me is going to eat shit
i loved my dad
we fought
he gave me frost bite but my voice caused more damage than that
even though my ear hurt
in reality frostbite just made me beter at guitar playing
and i am already dealing with these things so i have the
tenacity.
my dad died on septemper 8th the birthday of
pigpen, the same exaxct day and year that
the queen of england died, and bernard shaw
because in the end my dad, elizebeth, had equal effects
on pop culture, i can imagine pigpen greating all three
my dad is ashamed but i if he talked to me more he would
realize that shame is merely an aspect of ancient culture.
and i’m a nihlist. i have no shame,
jazz musicians don’t just usually have the best weed.
they also are the angriest and most hardworking people on earth.
i miss my dad. we both failed eatchother
but his ghost is with me so i know his true self from that
and it can guide me but nothing will ever make up
for the regret. it doesn’t mater if he destroyied my life
becuase it was my fault, and i was an abomination.
there is nothing of me except selfishness
and the toxicity of hatred.
sucess is nothing comparied to life.
you can’t defeat a man, you can
destroy him but not defeat him.
yet i have defeated myself in vain.
i don’t want my dad to respect me or forgive me
because i will never forgive myself since it’s arbitrary
to my goals, nor a requirement for anything even if it’s unachievable.